Tuesday, June 21, 2016 ' 6:59 PM
I am slowly getting myself immune to the pain & hurts.
I really can't convince myself to forget what he said to me. As a Husband, isn't this your responsibility to take up more burden and pressure for the family? When u told me "what is the point of working so hard when all my money are used up either on you or this family." All my friends' Husband are working really hard to provide for their Wife and their family. All my friends are working too. But how come their Husband never tell them "you are working as well and earning as much as me." I have not been asking you to pay for my personal expenses. How could you say such things! Yes though my pregnancy may seem to be much easier than many other woman, but that does not mean I am not making any sacrifices for you. 你可能不会那么心疼我。Husband should be loving their Wife more at this period of time, but u made me cried more than I feel loved. 你真的还爱我吗？不要应为要哄我而说爱。不用委屈自己。
You said I have became from bad to worse? All along I am always so 嘴硬心软， why don't you think whether was it due to your tolerant threshold has dropped? You no longer want to give in so much to me? Or was it your own stress at work that caused you to feel very 烦躁？What have changed you? 到底是什么东西让你改变那么多？💔💔😞😞 And you have excuses that cos I am worse off now that is why u longer Wan to coax me anymore, no longer want to tolerate me anymore? when it may be because you can't live up to the standard/ expectations that people have on you. Why Push it to me entirely? Do you really think carrying your Son is so easy?? Do I really need to go through that severe back pain at times? Leg pain after walking for only probably 2-3 hours? Sometimes even when I am experiencing backache or leg pain, I didn't want to say to you cos maybe you are tired also and feel sick and tired of always needing to help me massage. I don't Wan you to feel that way. I am afraid u will think that way. The Husband whom I married to, always give people such good impression cos at the back I gave him so much praise. And he may be surprised that actually I have also been telling people how fierce am I to him sometimes. telling people around me how awesome is my Husband but I am Always the naughty one, bullying him. But he is always so patience and kind and compromising towards me.
I think all these have just come to an end. Is no longer the same. 😢😢
' 8:37 AM
Some memories to keep, some dates to remember for life:
07/07/14 ▶️ Official date we got together
21/03/15 ▶️ ROM
01/11/15 ▶️ Wedding Banquet
08/01/16 ▶️ Checked and confirmed PREGNANT with Baby Jordan
12/09/16 ▶️ Expected Delivery Date of 宝宝 Jordan 🍼👶🏻
❤️ Beautiful memories are special Moments that tell our story❤️
There are moments when I wish I could roll back the clock and take all the sadness away, but I have the feeling that if I did, the joy would be gone as well.
"Memories fade but words hang around" I am beginning to feel insecure with you. I don't know if going out with you, using your money to treat me to simple meals will add on financial burden on you? I don't know if everything we should just split clearly so that you will not use it to add points to your argument or not? I don't know what to do so that I can go back being really comfortable with you again. Everything that we are going to in future will make me doubt and question myself "am I pushing you to one corner again? Am I using tooooo much of your money to Make you financially burdened? What if you asked me again for what to work so hard when you don't see yourself saving up when you are with me? Am I sucking away all your money??" All these questions just keep circulating in my mind. I don't know how to move on with you from here??
God, everything are planned by you in my life, is this what u planned for me to go through? Guide me. Lead me. Protect me. I am losing every bit of strengths now.
' 12:42 AM
今天一整天的眼泪一直流不停。宝宝👶🏻👶🏻 , mummy wanna say SORRY to you. Please don't be affected by mummy's big emotions okay. You must be a happy 👶。 You must be a 坚强，勇敢，健康的孩子。
Mummy不想跟daddy走到这个地步。Mummy也不想离开daddy,更不想放弃这个小小的家庭👪. Thinking of us staying together, building our little family together, going through all the 喜怒哀乐 together makes me soooooo warmth, so blessed & thankful. Mummy 只是在想跟你daddy之间的问题真的可以看开，可以解决，可以淡化吗？Mummy的心如刀割，your daddy said there were things that he said or promise are just for the sake of promising so that I can keep quiet and not nag at him. Mummy didn't know daddy was just trying to 安抚我 & not willing to do what he has agreed to fulfil. This really hurts mummy alot。
宝宝，your daddy is a nice man/Friend/Husband/ Father-to-be... Mummy is really thankful for once having him in my life, once giving in so much to me, once being so protective against me. Once willing to let down his ego so much for me. Just that your mummy is a failure as a Wife. Your mummy cannot win your daddy's heart for Long, he has soon became sick & tired.
Mummy is really sorry for not being able to maintain a happy & complete family for u even before you were born. Come to think of it, mummy 的心真的是很痛很痛。
你会原谅我的对吗？
Monday, June 20, 2016 ' 8:50 AM
我一直以来都还以为我决定嫁给的这个老公是世上其中一个最了解我的人。 但是从昨天他对我说的话让我觉得其实他好像不是很了解我。
我知道我最大的缺点是嘴硬心软，很多时候我是故意说一些话但是我根本是不会去做。但是可能我已经不是他最想保护的人，所以他会怕我对他的家人不利吗？ 很多时候我身边的朋友会跟我说做女人要软弱一点，这样你身边的男人才会想保护你，照顾你。我一定是太强悍，答应照顾我一辈子的男人已经觉得我不需要他的照顾了，应为我会保护我自己。其实，我是没有那么讨厌他的家人，但是我每次说到他们， 我的话就自然的变得不是很好听。但是但是我从来没有想到要对他们做出不好的事。有时候我还会担心如果我们一直不去跟他家人聚一聚，他父母会不高兴。我还会跟他说如果要去的话，我ok的。 如果了解我的人会知道我是不会管我讨厌的人的想法。这就证明我还没有到那个地步。那时他妈妈以为自己有病，我其实有点小担心，但是我就说不出，应为我想人家以为我很假。每次说不喜欢她，哪里可能会担心。 但是不想再解释那么多了。就让这给误会这样下去吧。我也不想在Psycho自己去接受他们了。
有时候我会去想为什么我哥哥的婚姻可以那么开心/成功， 因为他的老婆会在对的时候跟他弱，他就会用全心全力去维护她，绝对不会让她受委屈尤其是对那些他可以给脸色看的家人或朋友。因为他知道他这辈子可以没有朋友或家人但是不能没有这位会跟他一辈子的老婆。我跟他老婆的差别就在这里。我会很坦白的告诉我老公我的想法，有时可能用了一些他不想听的话 “他们是笨吗？他们是瞎的吗？”因为这些人是他生命最重要的人，他一定会对我感到不开心。要怪就怪我的性格太直接，要怪就怪我太天真以为他会心疼我，保护我，为我站出来说他们。但是我好傻好傻，这哪里可能会发生，我又不是他生命中唯一最重要的人。
有人问我后悔结婚吗？ 我想应该没有，但是我不可以不承认单身的日子的那种自由和快乐是不一样的。不用在乎那么多，不用去讨好默默人，日子才会比较好过。
Sunday, June 19, 2016 ' 9:34 PM
Today, 19 June 2016, I felt really upset and unloved by an important person in my life. He once made me feel sooooo loved & important. But now, whatever words I said became biased comments and no longer hold anymore weight.
I should be a happy mum to be in less than 3 months' time. But why am I so unhappy and crying so badly at this moment feeling that anytime I may lose a relationship, a Husband whom I pledged to stay committed to for the rest of my life, a daddy to be for my baby. 真的是我太自私了吗？真的是我太无理取闹了吗？真的是我在你生命中再也不是那么重要了吗？
In the past, maybe you have given in too much to me, stood by my side too much... And because of that, I feel so loved and protected by you. Knowing that u will always protect & understand me. That is why I chose to give my whole life to you. But today, you make me realised that actually all these while u have been "tolerating" me and u have decided not to protect me against any 委屈 that I angling through. Is sooooooo hurtful to hear u say this to me "WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS PUSHING ME TO ONE CORNER? Do u see me pushing you to one corner?" My heart breaks totally..
I feel very upset that I can no longer be like myself infront of you. Say whatever I am feeling/ thinking. I have to bear all the unhappiness and sadness by myself or by telling others when you should be the one closest to me.
You once were someone whom I will turn to whenever I am unhappy. You once were the one whom I will say anything and everything under the sun. You once were the one whom I feel so comfortable talking to for hours. You once were the one whom I felt soooo close to. You once made me feel that there is still someone who will keep his promises and fulfil it. You once made me trust you so much and never fail to deliver what you promised me. You once were the one whom I feel so lucky to be loved by your unconditional love.... Now when you don't deliver what you promised, you said I m pushing you to one corner?? Have you forgotten so many things you said to me when trying to comfort me during quarrels?? All those words and promises are said to 安抚我而已吗？ Why am I so stupid to believe and trusted that you definitely will take those promises and words seriously. In the end, I am the silly & foolish one feeling cheated.
Once upon a time........ 都讲是ONCE! 从前！ 再也不肯能回到从前的了。 因为我在你心里的地位已近不如往日。💔💔💔
为什么一边写着，眼泪会一边一直在飘落。心好酸酸的痛着。
学着看开一点才会让自己好过一些。 不在乎天长地久，曾经拥有过就因该感到满足了。 the only thing I can do now is to 做个坚强一点的妈妈，自己照顾自己。让自己开心点，为了孩子不能再这样流眼泪了。
Mummy 加油加油再加油，除了加油还是再加油！就算有一天我被逼的要自己和孩子生活，我会更加的努力！
